To my husband and children, same as many friends know me for being “stubborness with dignity” but not necessary know how my upbringing has influenced who I am and how I am.
I was the only child in the family for the first six years in my life. At that time, even though as a military family in the 60’s, we had a pretty earthy and rough life and I could only see my Dad 2 max. 3 times a year. But I really had a very fine memories from the wild childhood and love from my parents. I stayed with the best friend of my parents for nearly 8 months before I saw my younger brother for the first time. Immediately I loved the idea to take care of him by being a ‘elder sister’. When Nian Yong was young, he often got sick; so it’s normal that he got all the attention and care from my parents and accepted Mom has no extra energy for me.
Dad used to lead soldiers, so it’s ‘normal’ that I have to take the responsibility based on joint and several ‘liability’ for my brother; I learned to accept it without argument.
One night I had a very strang dream when I was 9-10 years old, when I woke up I started to question whether I was adopted, but I did not dare to ask but kept quiet. The real question rose when I had my first blood test at the age of 12, because I am the only one in the family with A blood type while Dad and brother are O and Mom is B. But again, I dared not to ask, simply put this question in the drawer in heart. That year we went to Taichung for uncle Chen’s wedding, I was so exciting because it was the first time I wore stockings with a beautiful dress and new shoes. In the middle of wedding feest, Mom and Dad decided to leave earlier after meeting a full-sized woman with a little boy, who were them? I dared not ask until when I was 16 years old that little boy sent me a letter to my school, then I realized they were my biological family. After the visit to my bio-sister in the nearby university, when I saw how she and I were so alike as twin, instantly I knew there’s no question about the adoption. Immediately I made the decision not to ask the ‘why’ question to either side, simply quietly accepted the reality submissively because I did not want to make both side parents felt scare of losing me or felt quilty for giving me away for adoption. Without knowing, underconsciousely since then I start to avoid and not to talk about my feeling deep inside on how I dream for love but do not dare to ask for love from others. Since made the decision of accepting not to ask for love from others, I then realized the importance in life is to love self by holding integrity and enhancing self disciplines strongly. Time passed, the level of stubborness deepened.
(…..to continue……)
